a quiet little hello...

Hi there. It's me. Michelle. Remember me? Yeah, it's been a long time since I've blogged. It's been a long time since I've even thought of blogging. Maybe no one noticed. My last blog post was dated February 6, a little over seven months ago.

It was really hard to read though that last blog post. My mother passed away five days later. As I read through it, I kept thinking, "I still had my Momma when I wrote this."

The loss of my Mom has been tough. Real tough. And it actually feels like it's getting tougher. I think it's because I am struggling with giving in and allowing myself to grieve. The sadness is unbearable and cuts so, so deep. I think of my Mom everyday. Every. Day. In my mind I am still seeing her in her last days which were heartbreaking and devastating. I am on the verge of tears all the time. And then just when I'm getting a few days of dry eyes under my belt, I am ambushed by grief and the count starts over.

The realization that I don't have my Momma anymore weighs so, so heavy on my heart. And not having her made me realize how much I did in my life for her. Even though I am 53 years old, I was always jugst a little girl trying to make her Momma proud.

Don't get me wrong, for the most part I am functioning. I'm still making it to work every day, still trying to be social and remain amongst the living. There are actually a few fun, artsy things coming up that I care about so I know I'm making progress with the healing.

This is just a clumsy, unfamiliar and scary new chapter in my life. I am struggling with navigating this long year of "firsts" and trying to insert myself back into the life that I had before. But that is the hardest part in all of this because I am forever changed and even the old feels new. I am so lucky and blessed to have an incredibly wonderful husband (who in addition to grieving with me lost his mother a few years ago) so he is helping me make it through each day. Thank you, Glen.

In the meantime, I'll keep listening to this song.  It was my healing song when my Daddy's passed 18 years ago. I'm hoping it helps me again.

Thanks for being here. xo

Comments

[Janey Jennings]

Michelle, I am so, so ,sorry. I feel the pain with you, I just lost my Sister to cancer 4 weeks ago. The pain is truly unbearable, and I truly feel for you.
Janey

[Michelle LaPoint Rydell]

Michelle I am so sorry for your loss. I know how deep that pain can be. I lost my mom too, in 2011 and I still miss her every day. I wish peace for you. Please know you are not alone.

[Linda Jo]

I'm so sorry. I lost my mom when I was 54... and the tenth anniversary of her death is next month! I can't believe it. I still miss her. It gets easier. She would want it to get easier... I used to dream of her so much, but one night not too long ago she said "I'm okay. You need to go on." And I haven't dreamed of her since then. Which is a release. I pray for peace for you.... seek that....

[Jana]

Sending you love Michelle - it is very hard for sure :(

[Jill]

love you girl ! and so glad to see you back. make sure you take care of yourself in the grief - that's most important so that you will continue to be healthy. loved hanging out with you - way too short - and want to sit in our pj's together again and talk and laugh and remember the good times with our mommas. sometimes I think just talking about the good times brings healing. Big hugs :)

[Cindy (Junque Art)]

Big hugs and love to you sweet Michelle! I am so sorry for your loss.

[Nancy]

Michelle, i had no idea - and i so follow your every move, it seems, through instagram! I am so very sorry - both for not being aware & for your loss. I pray your fun & love-filled memories bring you peace.

[Tamar]

O my. I cried through out this whole blogpost.
The love of a mother is like nothing else.
I think I would go crazy if I loose my mother right now.

Hope the grieving will stop and you will remember your mama in that special place, called your heart.

I am sending you all my love
and wish you well!