Oh boy. Another huge gap in blogging. I actually came very close to just hanging this all up but then that automatic payment deduction thing happened and poof...I'm paid up for another year. So I'm still here and on a whim, I thought I'd show up today and try to blog.
One of the reasons I was distracted from blogging is that this past October my mother was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer. She went to the doctor for severe weakness and immobility and during testing, they found the cancer. It is the small cell cancer which is very agressive and it has spread fast. As of yesterday, she is on heavy meds for the pain - sublingual morphine (she can't swallow anymore) and oxycodone. This event has been devastating and to see her go through this is heartbreaking and soul crushing. I think I've been doing a good job of keeping it together and can function but when people ask me how I am, I say fine and quickly turn away. I've learned if I linger, they see it in my face and know I'm lying.
On Facebook, I've been posting a "daily goodness" everyday since January 1. This has been a great source of comfort for me. In the midst of the grief and sadness I feel everyday, it helps to focus and magnify the goodness, kindness and love I experience each day.
I haven't been doing much artsy craftsy stuff lately. I should probably be journaling as I go through this but I feel lost right now and have no interest in pushing myself. I am still active on Instagram and post pictures of the kitties and art supplies I buy. It's entertaining, doesn't require much energy and I enjoy the connections with the kind and caring people I've become friends with.
I did accomplish one artsy thing of late and that is a journal for the Sketchbook Project 2013. I think I finished this because it had a deadline. The Sketchbook Project is a traveling exhibition full of sketchbooks from people all over the world. After the exhibit tours, the sketchbooks will permanently be part of The Brooklyn Art Library. Working on my journal turned out to be a wonderful and fulfilling project and in hindsight, helped me cope. The title of my journal is "Words to Be."
On each page, I wrote a word and then reflected on how to be a model of that word. What that word looks like in human form. For instance, the word "forgive" is a hugely meaningful word for me and so I wrote, "Be a model of forgiveness. Let it go. It's okay."
It's simple and to look at it, you'd never know how deeply powerful this page is for me. What started the concept of the "Words to Be" theme was a dream I had about forgiveness. In the dream, I experienced a confrontation with someone from my past. I decided to face this person and I told myself I needed to be a model of forgiveness for my daughter. I woke up renewed and empowered because during the dream, I had let go of the resentment, bitterness and shame I've carried. In a nutshell, when I was young, I allowed myself to stay in a relationship for four years that completely robbed me of my self-worth, value and confidence. I truly let go. And to let go is to trust and with trust comes peace.
Another word that I find powerful is reciprocity. It's an elegant way to say "pay it forward." Beautiful.
And one more page with the word "gentle." I'm sharing this page not so much because of the word but because visually, this is one of my favorite pages. :- If you are going to the Sketchbook Project traveling library, the call number for my journal is 196.3-8. I also opted to have my journal digitized. As I receive information about that, I will share and you can view the whole journal online if you like.
Thanks for hanging out with me. xo
PS...Sorry for all the wonky watermarks...I was trying to figure out a new image editor that pops up in Typepad and halfway through it, it stopped working. :-)