sketchbook project 2013...

Oh boy. Another huge gap in blogging. I actually came very close to just hanging this all up but then that automatic payment deduction thing happened and poof...I'm paid up for another year. So I'm still here and on a whim, I thought I'd show up today and try to blog.

One of the reasons I was distracted from blogging is that this past October my mother was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer. She went to the doctor for severe weakness and immobility and during testing, they found the cancer. It is the small cell cancer which is very agressive and it has spread fast. As of yesterday, she is on heavy meds for the pain - sublingual morphine (she can't swallow anymore) and oxycodone. This event has been devastating and to see her go through this is heartbreaking and soul crushing. I think I've been doing a good job of keeping it together and can function but when people ask me how I am, I say fine and quickly turn away. I've learned if I linger, they see it in my face and know I'm lying.

On Facebook, I've been posting a "daily goodness" everyday since January 1. This has been a great source of comfort for me. In the midst of the grief and sadness I feel everyday, it helps to focus and magnify the goodness, kindness and love I experience each day.  

I haven't been doing much artsy craftsy stuff lately. I should probably be journaling as I go through this but I feel lost right now and have no interest in pushing myself. I am still active on Instagram and post pictures of the kitties and art supplies I buy. It's entertaining, doesn't require much energy and I enjoy the connections with the kind and caring people I've become friends with.

I did accomplish one artsy thing of late and that is a journal for the Sketchbook Project 2013. I think I finished this because it had a deadline. The Sketchbook Project is a traveling exhibition full of sketchbooks from people all over the world. After the exhibit tours, the sketchbooks will permanently be part of The Brooklyn Art Library. Working on my journal turned out to be a wonderful and fulfilling project and in hindsight, helped me cope. The title of my journal is "Words to Be."

  On each page, I wrote a word and then reflected on how to be a model of that word. What that word  looks like in human form. For instance, the word "forgive" is a hugely meaningful word for me and so I wrote, "Be a model of forgiveness. Let it go. It's okay."

It's simple and to look at it, you'd never know how deeply powerful this page is for me. What started the concept of the "Words to Be" theme was a dream I had about forgiveness. In the dream, I experienced a confrontation with someone from my past. I decided to face this person and I told myself I needed to be a model of forgiveness for my daughter. I woke up renewed and empowered because during the dream, I had let go of the resentment, bitterness and shame I've carried. In a nutshell, when I was young, I allowed myself to stay in a relationship for four years that completely robbed me of my self-worth, value and confidence. I truly let go. And to let go is to trust and with trust comes peace.

Another word that I find powerful is reciprocity. It's an elegant way to say "pay it forward." Beautiful.

Another couple of pages... 

And one more page with the word "gentle." I'm sharing this page not so much because of the word but because visually, this is one of my favorite pages. :-  If you are going to the Sketchbook Project traveling library, the call number for my journal is 196.3-8. I also opted to have my journal digitized. As I receive information about that, I will share and you can view the whole journal online if you like.

Thanks for hanging out with me. xo

PS...Sorry for all the wonky watermarks...I was trying to figure out a new image editor that pops up in Typepad and halfway through it, it stopped working. :-)

 

Comments

[tina]

So sorry to hear about your mothers sickness - I just can´t imagine how hard a time this most be for you and your family - sending lots of prayers and thoughts your way.

Love you pages - they are beautiful

[marynbtol]

Michelle,
I love your work and check in periodically to see it. So very sorry to hear of your mom's illness and know how terribly difficult times like these are. Praying for comfort for her and you and your family. I do hope you are able to connect with your art at times for the healing and therapy that art brings us.

[tabitha]

Michelle this is a BEAUUtiful post ...I love your journal and I am deply saddened by your news. We lost my father in law in 2008 from lung cancer as well. I enjoy reading your daily blessings everyday on facebook. you give me the strength to think about the positives when life tends to be so hard.
you are such a sweet soul
big hugs
Tabitha

[Jana]

Welcome back - however briefly you may be here. Sad news about your Mother - sending you lots of hugs. Enjoyed the glimpse of your very cool journal, and have also been enjoying your posts about the 3 good things each day. Thank you for that reminder! xo

[Katie(@ASouthernLadysR)]

I am so sorry about your mom. I will be praying for you and your family. I am one of your IG followers love your Cats btw. I hope you have a blessed week and that you will receive peace that only can come from above.
ASouthernLadysR

[cheryl]

Sorry to hear about your Mom Michelle, ((hugs))

And great pages! I can always tell your work. Very cool.

Cheryl

[Cocoa Fornelli]

M.
Just read your blog and my heart feels for you and your Mother! I know what it feels like, so just be gentle with yourself and remember to "breath"! Sending you many hugs!
Cocoa from San Diego

[Amy]

I'm so sorry to hear about your Mom and can't imagine how devastating that is for your family. It's awesome that you're able to find gratitude each day when it would be so easy not to.

[Tracy]

Michelle how devastating this is for you. I'm very sorry. Your pages are wonderfully beautiful! Now I have to find you on Facebook! Take care.

[Jessica Rodarte]

I am very sorry to hear about your mom, Michelle. She will be in my prayers as will you and your family.

[Sheila]

I love your book, it's beautiful! I can identify with some of your words and feelings. I think of you often and remember how hard that season of life was, with my Mom terminally ill. I'm with ya sister.

My sketchbook is awful, I don't know if it was the deadline or what, but I was frozen. Oh well, I followed through, just not happy with the result.

Be kind and gentle with yourself, much more than you ever have.

Big Hugs,
Sheila

[Yvonne Welty]

I always look for new posts from you Michelle and was saddenned to hear about your mother. To see them decline is unbearably hard. Please know that many people are thinking of you and sending caring thoughts your way.

[Michelle]

Dear Sheila...

Thank you, as always, for your sincere kindness. Im very sad to share that my mother passed away last Wednesday. Were grateful because she suffered so horribly but yet, the utter shock and smothering sadness is tough to bare.

Im sorry to hear you think your sketchbook is awful. I bet its not! I will be looking forward to seeing it!

Take care and wishing you a lovely week.

Best,
Michelle

Oh and PS...I am getting laid off from my job (am I having a crummy year or what?!) so I may get to join you and Jan at one of your art journaling gatherings within a month or so!

----- Original Message -----

[photocatseyes (Catherine Lucas)]

O, time for the black cloud over your house to move. Loss is hard enough, two losses is just too much. Yet you will arise again. It's hard to loose a parent. My dad passed away 12 years ago and this morning I took his shaving brush out of my little treasure box, and it still hurt. I hope that you might feel numb so you can take the pain in little bits at a time. Curl up in your nest, with a cup of hot milk and some comfy socks, and cry. Sending hugs to you.

[Simone]

Hi ShellShell. I have to admit that even though I have "Hold Dear" in my favorites, that I don't stop by here too often. I decided to today and I read your post of when our precious Momma was still here with us. It brought tears to my eyes. It has definitely been a hard past few months, to put it mildly. I love you so much, and the strength inside of you is such an admirable thing. I know we all have our moments where we let our emotions take over, and that is a good thing too. Momma was so proud of you, and of your talent, and the artist inside of you that you were sharing with the rest of the world. She lives on through us. The beauty you contribute to this world is part of the legacy that she leaves behind.

Love you, my seestorly seestor. ♥

[karen petersen]

Happened upon your blot by accident... don't know you but love your ideas and so sorry to hear about your mom. Lost my dad and just a few weeks ago my father in law to I feel your pain. Thoughts and prayers to you.

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